I Don’t Want to Die!

I had the strangest week last week, a string of events brought me down like just like domino’s it went, my daughter left for college, I had a birthday (a crappy day) and then it was said to me, next is ‘the change,’ they meant OF LIFE!

Are you freaking kidding me? I mean come on!

And you know the thing about domino’s once they start to fall…

This week, it took a week, I’m back on track and having given it some thought here’s how I made sense of it all…

The Empty Nest

I don’t have an empty nest and won’t have for a long time yet (my youngest’s only three) BUT even when I do I’m not the kind of woman who will truly suffer this syndrome. I’ve never either lived for or hid behind my children. I’m not saying it’s right only that’s the way I am and how I see it, that even when I never have a second I’ve a rich internal life and so many things to do I couldn’t do them in ten lifetimes never mind two (aiming long)

What I will say is this. Of all people it must be so hard for lone parents when their child leaves home. I was that soldier once and lone parents, I salute you, your’re amazing.

But when Shaylyn left, I was blindsided for a moment by the strangeness and the sadness. It is in part because she’s gone, and maybe it is more because for so long it was just us two and then you wonder if you did enough, were present enough and are nostalgic but most of all you can’t believe how fast it went and that’s what it’s about really, you. It’s their life starting and your life passing.

As Terry Pratchett said, “It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.” Hello!

Starting school and starting secondary school are all very well but your’re still Top Gun, head honcho, but when they start college, where are you? Who are you? I’ll tell you something, you’d better know. You’d better have a vision for your life because it is going to hit you like a tidal wave, BOOM, that was your life, did you see it go?

A Birthday

Turning 41 wasn’t a problem per se, I just had a crappy day where everything went wrong, you know how that goes. I share the date with my middle girl who turned 6 and spent the afternoon at her party, in a childrens play centre place.

‘A great resource,’ blah, blah, ‘to have,’ blah, blah, blah, ‘aren’t we lucky,’ I agree we are, but I still hate it.

What ever happened to children playing out in the fields? I remember my friend Carmel and I spent many’s a happy hour in the field in front of her house pretending we had horses. Oh wait! That’s a dead age give away, excuse the pun.

To explain myself, this ‘party’ would have been my idea of hell, as a child! Classic introvert. Adrian had to be away all evening and that was it, just a funk.

The ‘Change’

The ‘change’ is not something I’d ever thought about or now that I’ve been forced to, even care about, I mean I’ve been hot for as long as anyone can remember heehee no really, I overheat very easy, ask anyone, and give me the change over pregnancy any day but  I still had to google it, as you do and apparently early onset change is that which occurs between 40 and 46, only I didn’t have any symptoms.

I know, I know…well I did say it was a weird week!


To sum up, this is my ‘problem’. I have achieved a way of life that is is so perfect I want to have the marrow out of it.

I don’t fear getting old or not being pretty anymore, I just love life. I love it so much I don’t want to miss or waste a second and I don’t.

It’s exhausting but necessary for me to notice everything and savour everything and I suppose the day will come when I’ve no right to be here but not yet, not yet, not yet.

I have to conclude that this is a good complaint or as good as it gets and that what happened last week was an unfortunate, an unecessary pile up of reminders that one day, sob, the hand that wrote this blog will be no more.

In 19th century Ireland, Katherine Fitzgerald, the Countess of Desmond lived to between 140 and 162 while remaining extraordinarily healthy and active and only  met her demise falling out of a tree. This is my goal!

Ladies, because I know your’re mostly ladies, what are your thoughts?


8 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Die!”

  • I’ll be 40 on the Feast of St. Francis, Jane, so your post couldn’t be more timely! I have made the mistake of not savoring life the way you have, but I recently did the craziest thing and quit my well-paid and (sometimes) fulfilling job to do just that. So glad I found you on the BYW class! You are so inspiring. Woohoo!

    • How exciting! Good for you, I bet you’ll never regret it, fortune favours the bold. Speaking as someone one year ahead of you these past two years have been the happiest of my life and I think that comes from doing things I really want to do so I am pretty sure you’ll be grand 🙂 Btw I’m glad we found us too

  • Ah Jane I am nearly fifty,I haven’t noticed any changes yet… ‘cept my tolerance for fools diminishes as I get older …

  • I am struggling with T being in school 5 mornings a week and she’s only three! Lord only knows what’ll happen when (if?) she leaves home. She said she wanted to go live with her dad. My heart broke for a minute. I’m sorry you had a crappy birthday, I hide from my birthday every year, even T didn’t know. I’m so terrified of it not being a good day. And yes, those indoor play places should be burned to the GROUND! 🙂

    • Awww Belle, I follow you, as you know, a fan! You and T always remind me of Shaylyn and I at that time. I know how you feel, it is hard. I’d say cherish the moments only I already know you do but I can’t condone the birthday hiding, firestarting…maybe 🙂

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