It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times…

Dear friends, it was my birthday yesterday, I was 42, it was our middle girls birthday too, she was 7 god help her. I wanted to write about being this age because the truth is I love it, and we don’t yet hear enough about the wonders of, so far, my favourite decade.

I wanted to write a number of posts about bootcamp, starting next month! I wanted to write another post about Malta, my experience as a visitor, I have more photographs, lovely photographs. But, I couldn’t write any of it, my spirit wouldn’t let me. It said you’re in pain, acknowledge that, write that first.

So in the interests of being open and true, to you, to myself, while considering I can’t tell you the details, yet, (so please allow for the cryptic nature of this post) here it is…

Some of you know I’ve been under a cloud for four years, since I was pregnant with our youngest. Thankfully it’s coming to a head now, though it will be sometime next year before I can finally leave it behind me.

Unfortunately I haven’t been coping too brilliantly. I’ve been under attack, not even secure in my own home. My health has suffered, I’ve had a flu like illness since February that finally turned into pneumonia. When I didn’t respond to treatment my doctor feared a lung clot but tests disproved that. Eventually it cleared up, for a few weeks, now it’s back.

A few people have said to me they would never have guessed there was anything wrong because I always seem on top of things on the blog, and sure, I’m on top of things I love and enjoy, things within my control, which this isn’t.

I know I should be able to control how I respond and sometimes I am, sometimes I can bring to bear all I’ve learned this past few years, like mindfulness practice, my creativity, I’d be much worse without these things, but it’s hard to sustain that constantly, over years. Even though I know I’m going to come out of this well in the end, not all processes are good for you.

And so, I’m up, and down, and up again, I don’t feel the need to share it all here. I have more reasons to be up I know, I’m still a positive person. As I said, I’m loving being in my 40’s, I have a wonderful family and amazing friends who not only support but actually know me, and I have my writing, the blog and the fb page, all my creative dabbling’s.

I’m fighting, for the moment in these ways, by talking with people close to me, by immersing (my word for this year) myself in books, art, nature and writing, by eating healthy despite nauseousness and poor appetite, in the knowledge that I’m proud of my life.

I’m looking forward to bootcamp, plus there’s a rare new moon on the 28th of this month and I’m planning a house energy cleansing ritual because, well it can’t hurt can it? I’m trying to keep myself up and I like these kinds of ideas.

This from a discussion I had with community member Lynn Maree…

”Years ago I attended this wonderful series of workshops and the lady used white sage to smudge all around the group, telling us that it lifts our energy, cleanses away the negative, that we could all benefit after being in crowds where we take on others energies and feel weighted down by it all and so drained when we get home again, so smudge away that stuff…..she said it is easy enough to make your own, just take some lavender, rosemary, sage, what ever or own their own, entwine them, hang, allow to dry completely, then you can light the top end and it, blow out and let all the smoke waft around ( use a feather, or just move your arm, walk into every room of your house. then just stub the end out when you finish, until next use…..its a wonderful thing to do…”

All I want beyond that, all I’ve wanted this year, is to retreat from the world, not talk, think, eat or sleep, just work on my book. In recent years I’ve developed a love of winter. By the time November comes round I plan to be back with the book, then Christmas I love, and before you know it January, one of my favourite months for writing. I never craved silence or dark so much, I plan to revel in it when it comes, and somewhere, one day next year, the light will appear again.

lightsagesage2sage bundle

That’s what’s going on with me at the moment. Right now I feel lighter for writing. How do you cope with tough times? When they overwhelm you? NOW I can get back to normal programming 🙂

Have a wonderful Friday and weekend…xo Jane

12 thoughts on “It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times…”

  • Jane, Mind yourself. I don’t know you very well but your blog and work are light and goodness and I have found it inspirational particularly when I have felt less than upbeat. What I am saying, is you do good. I hope whatever cloud it is moves off and you can live your life fully. When someone tells me something is going on for them and in the absence of anything that can be done by me I just say I will light a candle and put out good energy for you. 🙂

    • You’ve made me teary now Mary, in the nicest possible way. Thank you for those kind words and for saying you’ll do that for me x

  • Jane,
    It makes sense to me and I wish I could help in some way. Listen to your heart and know that we are thinking of you and sending our warmest wishes.
    My painting helps me and helped when this last year has been so tough in some ways. It makes me connect with the world and look at it in fresh ways. For me also, a trip to a quiet beach is always amazing.

    David x

    • Thanks David, I appreciate that, I might get to the beach tomorrow, if not then the mountain is closer, I can always go to it. Sorry to hear you’ve had a tough year too. That’s the way of it, we never know what people are going through.

  • So sorry to read that and also that your illness is back. No wonder you feel under attack from all sides. Jane you’re 42 & fabulous, all this crap will pass & you’ll bounce back stronger & more marvellous than ever! ((Hugs ))

  • Honestly when I feel overwhelmed I look at your facebook page and see what message you have posted that day and i read and absorb the message. That’s really what I do.
    Also I write in my journal, read, go walking or bury my face in the children’s hair while I hug them -this helps me.
    I know though that what you are going through is out of your control,totally unfair and constant. I’m sorry that this is happening.

  • Dear Jane, I am sending strong positive thoughts to you from far across the other side of the world. Rug up up if it’s cold and go for a walk, observe all the beautiful things that nature offers, it will make you feel refreshed, these dark times will pass eventually. Sending a big hug for your Birthday and much love. 🙂

  • Sweet dear friend, I want to panic and beat my chest for you. I canI feel your fear and reticence yet you are you. Strong, persevering, lovely. I will be here for your Bootcamp and hoping that you find the answers that you need to be with this whatever it brings.
    Love to your littles,

  • Dear Jane, Belated birthday greetings to you young, beautiful & wonderful woman that you are!!
    So sorry u are unwell but as u know it will pass and you’ll be back in full swing again, thank you for that lovely leek, Apple and sausage dish just perfect for Autumn
    Go gently Jane, Love and good wishes to you all.

  • Ah, the ebb and the flow, so sorry to hear that your illness is resurfacing and I hope that clears.
    Things that help me are journaling, the “completely unedited, badly spelt, written so fast I can hardly read it” type of journaling; talking (or even better, spending time) with true, easy friends who know the value of real listening; being outdoors, especially at the sea, especially when it’s rough and loud.
    And the hardest thing that helps? Remembering that I’m worth it, that I matter, that I’m a good person. And trying to stay present…

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