Dear friends, it was my birthday yesterday, I was 42, it was our middle girls birthday too, she was 7 god help her. I wanted to write about being this age because the truth is I love it, and we don’t yet hear enough about the wonders of, so far, my favourite decade.
I wanted to write a number of posts about bootcamp, starting next month! I wanted to write another post about Malta, my experience as a visitor, I have more photographs, lovely photographs. But, I couldn’t write any of it, my spirit wouldn’t let me. It said you’re in pain, acknowledge that, write that first.
So in the interests of being open and true, to you, to myself, while considering I can’t tell you the details, yet, (so please allow for the cryptic nature of this post) here it is…
Some of you know I’ve been under a cloud for four years, since I was pregnant with our youngest. Thankfully it’s coming to a head now, though it will be sometime next year before I can finally leave it behind me.
Unfortunately I haven’t been coping too brilliantly. I’ve been under attack, not even secure in my own home. My health has suffered, I’ve had a flu like illness since February that finally turned into pneumonia. When I didn’t respond to treatment my doctor feared a lung clot but tests disproved that. Eventually it cleared up, for a few weeks, now it’s back.
A few people have said to me they would never have guessed there was anything wrong because I always seem on top of things on the blog, and sure, I’m on top of things I love and enjoy, things within my control, which this isn’t.
I know I should be able to control how I respond and sometimes I am, sometimes I can bring to bear all I’ve learned this past few years, like mindfulness practice, my creativity, I’d be much worse without these things, but it’s hard to sustain that constantly, over years. Even though I know I’m going to come out of this well in the end, not all processes are good for you.
And so, I’m up, and down, and up again, I don’t feel the need to share it all here. I have more reasons to be up I know, I’m still a positive person. As I said, I’m loving being in my 40’s, I have a wonderful family and amazing friends who not only support but actually know me, and I have my writing, the blog and the fb page, all my creative dabbling’s.
I’m fighting, for the moment in these ways, by talking with people close to me, by immersing (my word for this year) myself in books, art, nature and writing, by eating healthy despite nauseousness and poor appetite, in the knowledge that I’m proud of my life.
I’m looking forward to bootcamp, plus there’s a rare new moon on the 28th of this month and I’m planning a house energy cleansing ritual because, well it can’t hurt can it? I’m trying to keep myself up and I like these kinds of ideas.
This from a discussion I had with community member Lynn Maree…
”Years ago I attended this wonderful series of workshops and the lady used white sage to smudge all around the group, telling us that it lifts our energy, cleanses away the negative, that we could all benefit after being in crowds where we take on others energies and feel weighted down by it all and so drained when we get home again, so smudge away that stuff…..she said it is easy enough to make your own, just take some lavender, rosemary, sage, what ever or own their own, entwine them, hang, allow to dry completely, then you can light the top end and it, blow out and let all the smoke waft around ( use a feather, or just move your arm, walk into every room of your house. then just stub the end out when you finish, until next use…..its a wonderful thing to do…”
All I want beyond that, all I’ve wanted this year, is to retreat from the world, not talk, think, eat or sleep, just work on my book. In recent years I’ve developed a love of winter. By the time November comes round I plan to be back with the book, then Christmas I love, and before you know it January, one of my favourite months for writing. I never craved silence or dark so much, I plan to revel in it when it comes, and somewhere, one day next year, the light will appear again.
That’s what’s going on with me at the moment. Right now I feel lighter for writing. How do you cope with tough times? When they overwhelm you? NOW I can get back to normal programming 🙂
Have a wonderful Friday and weekend…xo Jane