2014

Well friends here we are, another year almost at an end, a new year about to begin. When I think back to Christmas 2012, three months into starting this blog, how much I needed Christmas that year and how Read more

Getting Ready for Christmas!

Good morning friends, I'm not one for panic, overwhelm is more my thing but when it gets this close to Christmas and you... 1. Live in deepest darkest countryside 2. Don't drive (I do drive now but haven't advanced to driving to Read more

If You Can't Take the Beauty, Get Out of my Kitchen

Our kitchen revamp's not yet finished but it's well underway. We've papered the two sides in our jade green, bird and vine wallpaper and painted the gable in pale blue grey. I've added some of my elegant 'girl lamps', Read more

Home Style

All week I've been cooking solely on our wood fired range and dreaming of colour, pattern, texture, the juxtaposition of things and to be fair, there's inspiration everywhere. I noted it all and then BOOM... a new kitchen. Well one Read more

I Don't Want to Die!

I had the strangest week last week, a string of events brought me down like just like domino's it went, my daughter left for college, I had a birthday (a crappy day) and then it was said to me, Read more

To The Mountain

Going to the mountain, the Sliabh an Iarainn mountain that overlooks Ballinamore is, for my Dad, going home, as he was born and raised there. It's also where I spent many happy childhood days at my grandparents house. Last week Read more

More Afraid of Jumping than Falling

Hello friends, how are you today?

I’ve been in avoidance mode for a while but decided today was the day and that made me feel anxious.

anxious blog

Time is moving and I’ve stayed away too long. Back to the book I go.

A printed copy has been lying in the drawer for weeks, waiting for me to get my pen out and read the hard copy for the first time, make notes etc and then, you know, get on with it. Get on with editing and writing the next draft.

Two days ago I made progress, I took it out of the drawer and have been carrying it around the house with me since, meaning to start, or just open it. That would have been something at least!

This morning with the house to myself a few hours I forced myself into it. I told myself, just one chapter, just read one chapter.

I began. The first page or two took some concentration, anxiety bubbling, I had to read them a few times before I relaxed and got into a flow.

‘You never had this problem Michael.’ (to Michael Collins there on the mantel)

anx editing

Tea sometimes helps, or coffee. This time it’s tea…

anx coffee

I couldn’t figure what was wrong with me? I mean the book is written!!!

That’s supposed to be the hard part. The feedback has been good so far and even though there’s a lot of work to do and it’s daunting, I know I can do it. I believe in the book, in the story, and even if I don’t find an agent or publisher when I’m ready I can always self-publish, so as already asked, what is wrong with me?

‘You never have this problem Ernest…’ (to our cat Ernest Hemingway, all zen in his book nook. The children think ‘The Patchwork Cat’ is about him : )

anx cat

Still with the anxiety or it with me, I worked my way through 30 pages. Phew! What a relief! I know tomorrow will be easier.

With all this in mind and just sitting down to think about and write this post I figured out what was wrong with me…

I’m afraid of heights but not of falling, I’m always afraid I might jump. It’s what I could do is the problem.

In this case I know that if anything goes ‘wrong’ with the book, if anything holds me back, it will only be me, I’ll have sabotaged myself in some way.

I don’t know if this makes sense to you but I feel much better and ready to go on now. This realisation in turn reminded me of a quote I found and loved this week and of the image I put with it for facebook…

‘Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.’ Kierkegaard

anx

 

I looked up the author and found this article on the ever brilliant ‘Brain Pickings’ titled ‘Why Anxiety Powers Creativity Rather Than Hindering It.’ You can read the entire piece HERE

‘The more creative the person, he held, the more anxiety and guilt are potentially present.’ Kierkegaard.

I’ll take that thank you. Did I say I felt better? I do.  Just don’t let me near any cliff faces : )

Posted on by Jane in I WAS JUST THINKING, We Can Do It - Tips for Creative Living 2 Comments

Fire

Continuing on from yesterdays post about our chimney fire on Friday, read it HERE and it all just happened so fast. I wasn’t long back from picking the girls up when I noticed a bright light in the stone alcove around the kitchen range. At this point Ernest Hemingway (our cat) bolted and the ‘light’ started to ‘roar’ in the chimney.

I could see billowing smoke outside and within minutes my uncle Tommy had arrived, he lives across the field from us and had seen what was happening. I was so relieved to see him. Heart racing I dialled 999 and told the girls to get their shoes on, all the time assuring them that everything would be fine and not to be frightened though I was frightened myself. By now the fire had intensified and cracking sounds were ricocheting up the wall, it was terrible. My thoughts raced from maybe needing to get out quick, to the house and even just the new wallpaper.

In the midst of it all I heard Sadhbh (3) say she wanted her tights, she’d been in her bare feet and Saoirse (6) explaining how it didn’t matter and helping her sister get ready quickly. She was so protective, guarding her little sister the whole time it really tugged at my heartstrings, how brave she was.

It seemed no time at all from I made the call to the fire brigade pulling up on our street. The near dark and black tree silhouettes, the muted colours of a chill November evening were no match for the gleaming shine of fire engines. The whole scene and experience were surreal. These contrasts and the speed at which it all happened, a reminder of how your whole world can change in just minutes.

222fire

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Of course living in a country place I knew all the firemen. It’s going to sound funny but the whole thing from this point reminded me of having a c-section. It’s the team at work, the skill and efficiency, they know and you don’t, or you hope. But a good team makes you feel better about everything and it’s very impressive to watch.  Surreal meets real. The fire was bad but the team were skilled and we were lucky. Plus as I said in my other post thanks to this fire a dangerous flaw we have since fixed was discovered so it turned out to be a blessing of sorts.

At last the firemen went back to their abandoned lives and cold dinners and I, not knowing what to do with myself, swept the floor and felt nauseuous. ‘It will be a few days before you feel right,’ my mum said. She was right, it does take a few days to recover from the fright that is a reminder of how fragile everything is.

That night we broke the rules and watched a Christmas movie with the girls. We laughed more and enjoyed it more, we stole more looks and thought more thoughts, for me, that’s a lot of thoughts. After the girls were gone to bed I said to Adrian,

‘The house could have burned down. What would we have done then?’

He said, ‘build it again.’

2222fire3

Posted on by Jane in I WAS JUST THINKING 8 Comments
    • 2014 December 23, 2014
      Well friends here we are, another year almost at an end, a new year about to begin. When I think back to Christmas 2012, three months into starting this blog, how much I needed Christmas that year and how my wish for 2013 was ‘Healing’ it staggers me. How far I’ve come since then. With […]
      Jane
    • Getting Ready for Christmas! December 8, 2014
      Good morning friends, I’m not one for panic, overwhelm is more my thing but when it gets this close to Christmas and you... 1. Live in deepest darkest countryside 2. Don’t drive (I do drive now but haven’t advanced to driving to the nearest shopping towns yet) 3. Haven’t embraced online shopping (I’m not sure […]
      Jane
    • Daughters of the Mountain December 2, 2014
      ‘She woke early, not long after dawn. She’d been drifting and dreaming since four with the birds, too excited to sleep, too enlivened to care. Thoughts of the night washed over her. Had it all been a dream? The puddle of dress on the floor told her no, it was real, as summer storms were […]
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    • Back in the Zone November 28, 2014
      Morning all. Following an angsty return to the book earlier this week things have improved. First day after a break is always the worst but I’m well into the first read through of the hard copy now and hope to finish it this morning before school runs and general mayhem resume. That was the plan […]
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    • More Afraid of Jumping than Falling November 25, 2014
      Hello friends, how are you today? I’ve been in avoidance mode for a while but decided today was the day and that made me feel anxious. Time is moving and I’ve stayed away too long. Back to the book I go. A printed copy has been lying in the drawer for weeks, waiting for me to […]
      Jane
    • Fire November 24, 2014
      Continuing on from yesterdays post about our chimney fire on Friday, read it HERE and it all just happened so fast. I wasn’t long back from picking the girls up when I noticed a bright light in the stone alcove around the kitchen range. At this point Ernest Hemingway (our cat) bolted and the ‘light’ […]
      Jane
    • Dreams November 23, 2014
      I had the strangest dream last week. All sleeping dreams are strange I think but this one I’ve had more than once and I just couldn’t fathom, 1. Why I had it so often lately. I mean it’s true I’m closely wedded to this stove. I talk about it, cook on it, boil the kettle on […]
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    • Talk to Me November 20, 2014
      I read a LOT, I scan, I skim and take it all in, my interests know no stop. It’s true I touch on a wide range of thoughts and things here on the blog but believe me that’s nothing, just the tip of the iceberg and meanwhile I connect, forecast, predict at brake neck speed […]
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    • November Weekend – A Picture Post November 18, 2014
      I know I said a picture post but while your’re here you might consider checking out my new ‘About Me’ and let me know what you think, over there preferably or here, also good. If you would like to add a testimonial I’d be only delighted, let me have it! Thank you : )  The […]
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    • If You Can’t Take the Beauty, Get Out of my Kitchen November 12, 2014
      Our kitchen revamp’s not yet finished but it’s well underway. We’ve papered the two sides in our jade green, bird and vine wallpaper and painted the gable in pale blue grey. I’ve added some of my elegant ‘girl lamps’, changed some curtains about, painted the inside of the cupboards yellow and now I’m thinking art. […]
      Jane