Today my eldest girl leaves school forever. I’m happy for her. It feels right, it feels time. She has a great head on her shoulders, a much better one than mine at her age but the Leaving Cert’s a terrible time in a young person’s life. I don’t care what you say, no matter how good the head or the heart is it’s tough.
I’ve been focusing on this stuff and not thinking too much but flitting and busying, tidying her room and making her the things she likes to eat and just trying to make a fuss and all of this has kept me, protected me from the sadness, you know the one I mean? It’s the one that hits you hardest when your’re happy and you love.
I’m usually not too bad with these being quite at home with melancholy and I’ve always kept an identity separate from my children, not consciously, it’s just the way I am, some might call it my cold streak. I don’t define myself by them, the children. I’m more likely to celebrate than mourn the changes, but then the other night.
Two nights ago I lay down and felt a wrenching, a cleaving, choking, all consuming sadness, just for a minute, just for a desperate minute or ten, where is time?
I’m fine again, just fine and see, my lovely Shaylyn…